Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Well, get me my sleeping pills from the bathroom.

Why don't you take them before you go to bed? It's almost time to get up.

Oh, hurry up and get them before I fall asleep.

The devil challenged God to a baseball game.

"How can you win, Satan?" asked God. "All the famous ballplayers are up here."

"How can I lose?" answered Satan. "All the umpires are down here."

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam!

A doctor told a patient, "You are very sick."

The patient said, "Can I get a second opinion?"

The doctor said, "Yes, you are very ugly too ..."

Did you hear about the teerrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

The terrorist threatenened to release one lwyer every hour if his demands weren't met.

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing, it just waved.

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What game do elephants like to play the most?

Squash.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cellphones.

Why did the boy bury the flashlight?

Because the batteries were dead.