Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Well, get me my sleeping pills from the bathroom.

Why don't you take them before you go to bed? It's almost time to get up.

Oh, hurry up and get them before I fall asleep.

The devil challenged God to a baseball game.

"How can you win, Satan?" asked God. "All the famous ballplayers are up here."

"How can I lose?" answered Satan. "All the umpires are down here."

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam!

A doctor told a patient, "You are very sick."

The patient said, "Can I get a second opinion?"

The doctor said, "Yes, you are very ugly too ..."

Did you hear about the teerrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

The terrorist threatenened to release one lwyer every hour if his demands weren't met.

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing, it just waved.

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What game do elephants like to play the most?

Squash.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cellphones.

Why did the boy bury the flashlight?

Because the batteries were dead.

My friend said he knew a man a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"

What is the difference between a schoolteacher and a train?

The teacher says,"Spit your gum out", and the train says, "Chew,chew, chew".

If a man was born in Italy, moved to America, then died in Canada, what would he be?

Dead!

Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a snow woman?

Because it takes so long to hollow out the man's head.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Why do witches fly on brooms?

Because vacuums are too heavy.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash!

What is the difference between a vampire amd a lawyer?

One is a soulless, bloodsucking monster, and other can turn into a bat.

Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snowbanks.

How many letters are there in English alphabet?

Eighteen letters! Three in "the", seven in "English", and eight in "alphabet".

Which month has 28 days?

All of them!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartnder looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

What dog keeps the best time?

A watchdog.

What building has the most stories?

The library.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual.
A person who speaks tree languages is trilingual.
A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?

An American.

What is worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Finding half a worm.